Keys to Developing Post Divorce Relationships

by: By David M Arnold, MSSW

Remember the time when we walked down the aisle. This was the most exciting day of our lives. Making the vows to honor and protect, cherish, love, etc., till divorce do us part? This is a common ritual and part of our culture for people that are "in-love" and wanting to share their lives together. Then after years gone by, we look at each other and think to ourselves, "Where is the person I married"? We no longer meet our needs; we don’t know one another anymore. We failed to grow together, instead, we grew apart. For whatever the reasons, however long the list, the marriage did not work out and naturally we have mixed feelings about getting into another relationship. Our hearts have been broken, slandered, abused, and do we really want to go through this again? With the pain of divorce and the feeling of failure, the answer is "I don’t know"! We already have mixed feelings about forming new relationships. Depending on our ages, we are not attracted to the men or women because they have "let themselves go". You may be frightened of choosing the wrong person again and making the same mistakes. You feel you cannot afford emotionally, mentally and financially to go through all that pain again. However, deep down, we still believe that their is our "Soul Mate" our Prince Charming", our "life anchor" that we can share with and have complete trust and understanding. Your heart knows that there's love out there for you and that you have a lot of love to give too. Somewhere inside you still believe it's possible to create blissful relationships even after a divorce. Listen to that wisdom. Hang on to that hope. You don't have to repeat the same patterns of emotional problems or communication problems in relationships. You can learn new relationship skills that will enable you to form a great romantic partnership that grows from strength to strength. Have you ever walked outside in public and saw two people holding hands, showing affection, and though to yourself, "Why can't I have that?" You can and I would like to share four ways to fabulous, fulfilling new relationships after a divorce:

1. Learning Lessons in Love and Commitment

It's frightening how many of us repeat the same mistakes over and over. There are reasons and simple explanations for this. Many of us if not all of us want to be accepted and appreciated, encouraged, and adored. We often seek what we have had or did not have while growing up. We are attracted to familiarity. We may not like patterns of behaviors but somehow it empowers us to seek approval. It's like we carry some kind of internal 'relationships' template and we try and apply that same pattern of behavior every time we are in an intimate relationship. When forming fresh relationships after divorce, throw out the inner template. Clearly it didn't work for you last time. Why repeat the same things? Come at your new relationships with nothing but a desire to discover new ways of being together in love. Understand that a relationship is a journey of discovery. It's an adventure that you navigate through. You'll experience storms, tempests, hurricanes, fog, and times when it seems like you are becalmed and nothing is happening in the relationship. Hold to your destination: love and commitment. Be true to your guiding light: love. And enjoy the journey to commitment.

2. Breaking the Bonds that Tie Us

Moving out of your comfort zone is a huge step for many of us. Doing something out of the ordinary and can be uncomfortable. However, that is how we grow emotionally, spiritually, financially, and intellectually. In previous relationships, we may have heard time and time again, derogatory and demeaning comments enough times that we started to believe them. Breaking the emotional bondage and explore your thoughts and feelings and learning why we react the way we do is a key to having a successful relationship. Inside is where the magic of your life happens, not in the outer world. You've felt the pain of divorce and maybe you've deliberately numbed yourself to your feelings. That's okay; it's natural to protect yourself that way. Just realize that you fall in love and out of love in your head, in your thoughts and feelings about someone. As you can control your thoughts and manage your feelings, you have creative power over how your relationship feels to you. Right now, you could be in bliss if you wanted to. Or you could let your mind talk create an experience of pain and self-pity. It all depends on what thoughts and feelings you choose to focus on. When building new love relationships after divorce it pays to take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings. Nobody else can make you feel bad or make you feel good without your participation. You're the one who chooses how to process what you are experiencing. When you experiment with this you will rapidly come to realize that you are free to be happily single if you choose to be or to enjoy wonderful, warm, passionate, affectionate relationships. You are the point of power in any relationship. Therefore you have 100% ability to create a wonderful relationship.

3. Cracking the Chemistry Code

By learning about chemistry and energy interactions you will improve your ability to navigate relationships after divorce. Learning boundaries will help facilitate your closeness or distance, your desire to be closer or that you need to more space. Give them too much space and not enough affection and the attraction between you will start to waiver. There's a fine balance. And it's an ever-changing dynamic. I learned in counseling school that there is no such thing as cause and effect. But rather, its multiple causes produces one effect. When you think you've cracked the code, the dynamic will change. Life's like that. It's designed to keep you on your toes -- and keep you growing. The one thing we strive for is an organic relationship that is alive and grows unconditionally. Remember your romantic vision and your commitment to love as an idea and guiding principle, that way you will always find new, creative ways of building your love relationship. Like most things in life, wonderful marriages are earned through hard work, they don't just happen. The greatest challenge for anyone is to have a successful relationship. They just don’t happen and they do take work. Being romantic and spontaneous does not make love last forever. Each person brings to a new relationship, heartaches and pain. We automatically look for signs as if we are pre-conditioned to find fault and errors. We are guarded and on high alert! In your post divorce relationship, we should treat our relationship as the ultimate self-improvement program. Each day challenges you to be creative and innovative in your romantic and loving gestures. If you take Love as a characteristic you want to build into your nature, and practice being more loving every day, especially with your mate, you will be well on your way to creating a blissful love life.

4. Get to Know Thyself!

All of this will come together if you do one important task. Get to Know Thyself! You may think that this is odd. However, men especially have a difficult time expressing themselves. Women are always trying to figure us out. But the good news is…you can learn about yourself through free online assessments. There are several assessments I have linked in my website that you can glean from. The more you understand your psychological self, the easier it will be to share it with others. The happy and healthier your next relationship will be. Through learning and understanding your own behaviors, you can move into the next relationship without any apprehension. By understanding your own relationship development, you do not have to be in the relationship guessing game. You can learn about your love languages, your personality styles, your IQ, personal development, career assessments, etc, and it is fun to do. Through these self-assessments, you will learn what you are attracted too and what which personality styles would provide the most challenging. By knowing thyself, it makes it easier to know others and to feel the love we want. Understanding why things happened and forgiving our past; breaking the bonds that hold us down; finding the chemistry in the next relationship; and learning from self-assessments. All of these things will give you the tools to be successful in your next relationship. That secret is….selflessness!

END

David M Arnold is an experienced Therapist, Counselor, Mediator, and Life Coach that brings his personal experience to help you achieve success. Areas of interests include Relationship Development, Business Development, Real Estate, Financial Coaching, Internet Marketing, and Healthcare.

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